Alexander

Alexander

To sum it up... if you want to feel like you've lost 6 hours of your life, go see this movie. It's not that it's a terrible movie, it's just extremely long. At one point, the narrator (Anthony Hopkins) says "Alexander should have died in India.... but that was a myth" and I let out a HUGE "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh" and Rachel and I laughed... we laughed maniacally for our brains had been turned into goo because the movie was so long. It's the sign of a bad film when you constantly check your watch to try and figure out how much longer it could possibly go on for. By the end, Rachel said "Okay Anthony Hopkins, just SHUT UP SO WE CAN GO HOME" hahahahahaa.
All in all it wasn't bad plot-wise. Though I guess you can't really screw the plot up since it's basically a Hollywood-ized biography of Alexander. The little things got to me though... like: graphically showing men stabbing horses and elephants, thank you, but I really don't want to see animals being shot... Hephaestion at the battle in India - got sliced in the femoral artery with an axe and DIDN'T DIE. Sure, ok, whatever, except he would have bled to death you idiots. What REALLY pissed me off about it was that it slightly glorified genocide and assimilation. When Alexander tells the Persians that their sons will be Greek-educated and be part of the Greek army, they're all like "Wheeeeeee! I'm SO excited for that! Praise Alexander!". Sorry, I don't believe that

Pride and Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice

So I really seriously believed I would detest this movie, simply because I adore the 1995 miniseries, Colin Firth and I thought they had miscast pretty much everyone in this version. However, I left thinking it wasn't too bad and, upon further reflection, I realised it's pretty damn good (though obviously can't hold a candle to the BBC version).

The pros:

• Donald Sutherland as Mr. Bennet: I don't know how this man does it. He's 70 years old and he still kicks ass. He made Mr. Bennet a lot wittier rather than simply long-suffering.



• Brenda Blethyn as Mrs. Bennet: Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant.



• The cinematography: They chose absolutely beautiful locations to film. Although I wasn't a fan of how slummed-down they made Longbourn, they kept Pemberley very much how I pictured it.



• Matthew MacFadyen: Yes, yes, he's no Colin Firth, that's for sure, but he still did a good job. I didn't think he was too handsome at first, but he really does grow on you, especially since he doesn't give up on Elizabeth even after she pretty much bitches him out for things he didn't do. There were certain moments between him and Elizabeth that I just loved too, such as when he gives her a hand up to her carriage after she stays at Netherfield with Jane, and when he walks away, he flexes his hand a bit. I don't know why I love that scene so much, I just do. It's very simple, but it conveys a lot. The scene where he goes to the Collins' house to see Elizabeth (and in my opinion, to propose) is great too, because it still retained the character's anxiety that Colin Firth did so well in the BBC version. I have to say, by the end, I thought Matthew MacFadyen was pretty hot, but that's probably due to the fact that I LOVE the character of Mr. Darcy, so it wouldn't matter who the hell played him as long as they did it relatively well. He also did an excellent job with the heated stares that Colin Firth did in the miniseries. No woman can resist a heated stare from Mr. Darcy (don't believe me? watch the miniseries/this movie)



• The Chemistry: Even though Ms. Keira disappointed me (see cons), I have to say that the two leads had some amazing chemistry. Even in the beginning, when she's supposed to hate him, you can still sense the underlying attraction between them.



• The fact that it's 2 hours long instead of 6: This is important. I have actually sat down and watched all 6 hours of the BBC miniseries in one day. It's definately still the best adaptation, but, with this film, you don't have to commit to all 6 hours in order to get the gist of the story. They had all of the important moments and it was still enjoyable. Granted, the passage of time wasn't as apparent as it is in the miniseries, but they do a pretty good job of trying to convey it in certain scenes.



• Not enough Wickham: Don't get me wrong, I hate his character, but there were too few scenes with him. You can't judge his character within the two main scenes that he's in. You don't even get the feeling that he "hates" Mr. Darcy as he's supposed to (though you definately feel the hatred from Mr. Darcy). Plus, he looked like Orlando Bloom's ugly cousin... and that's not a compliment.



• Improvement with Jane Bennet: No offense to Susannah Harker, but you are not, as Mrs. Bennet says, the beauty of the family. In the words of Alanna, she looks like a dinosaur. Jane is supposed to be the most beautiful of all the Bennet's daughters, but Elizabeth was definately the prettiest in the miniseries. I think they improved on that with this film. Rosamund Pike is noticeably prettier than Susannah Harker and, in my opinion, prettier than Keira Knightley, though that may be because I'm just sick of Keira Knightley's face plastered everywhere.
  

The cons:

• WHAT DID YOU DO TO MR. BINGLEY????????: *ahem* Seriously. What. Did. You. Do. Mr. Bingley is not a tongue-tied mentally deficient moron with exploded hair and bulging eyes. I can understand the stammering. He's so in love with Jane that he can't control his speech, etc etc. But really... give him so pomade for god's sake! He honestly comes across as someone who can't think for himself, and only FINALLY proposes to Jane because Darcy told him to.



• Keira Knightley: I'm sorry my dear, but frankly, you sucked. Okay, sucked is maybe too harsh a term, but you certainly didn't win me over. I don't know what it was... maybe it's just because I've gotten so used to seeing Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet that I just can't possibly accept anyone else playing her. But I don't think that's it. I think it's because you sucked.



• The fact that she was in every scene: See above. If I thought she sucked, the fact that she's in almost every scene didn't do all that much to try and persuade me otherwise. They should have included the scene where Darcy goes and finds Wickham and Lydia and forces them to marry. Colin Firth did that bit SO well. Angry Mr. Darcy was so awesome.



• Costumes: Not a very big negative. They were still good, but just not as good as they were in the '95 version.



• The fact that it's only 2 hours: Yeah yeah, this was in the pros, so sue me. There are so many small scenes in the 1995 version that I've gotten attached to that weren't in this movie, and that really disappointed me. Such as the scene where Mr. Darcy gets all fussy about his clothing before he goes to meet with Elizabeth because he's planning to propose again (at least that's what I believe), or even the scene just after he proposes for the first time and both characters reflect on what they said to each other.



• Lydia Bennet: Lydia is supposed to be British... not fake American-British. Why they decided to use Jena Malone as Lydia Bennet is beyond me. They did a great job at getting newcomers for Mary and Kitty (Talulah Riley and Carey Mulligan), so why the hell did they use her??



• Charlotte Lucas: Speaking of miscasting. God. Charlotte may not be the pick of the batch, but my GOD.



• SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN "well then": I don't know why this part bugs me as much as it does. One of the last scenes has Mr. Darcy basically re-professing his love for Elizabeth (absolutely beautifully shot). Anyone who's seen the miniseries or has read the book knows which scene I mean. Poor Mr. Darcy pours his heart out in a very romantic fashion, telling her that she's "bewitched him body and soul" and that he loves her... and all she can say is "well then". WELL THEN. Forgive me, but if I had someone as hot as Matthew MacFadyen tell he wanted to be with me forever: I think I'd say more than "well then".

One thing I'm not sure about is how I feel about how they portrayed Mr. Collins. He was a bit more likeable in this version, but he's more of a boob in the BBC version, which is more fun. He's also more smarmy in the '95 version.
So overall, I think it's worth going to see. I'll probably end up going to see it again, and will most likely buy it when it comes out on DVD. And if you don't go see it, Mr. Darcy will frown at you:

Serenity

Serenity

I was finally able to finagle a couple of people to go see this with me over Thanksgiving. I went to see it without having seen any episodes of "Firefly", but I still really enjoyed it. Apparently Orson Scott Card, the author of the Ender's Game book series, said that this was the best science fiction movie ever made. I'm not sure I'd go that far, since I'm a huge fan of the Star Wars films, but Serenity comes pretty damn close. It's got everything: action, comedy, drama, romance, AND cannibals! Now who would pass that up? It's apparently coming out on DVD and video (does anything come out on VHS anymore?) sometime in December, and I would recommend people to see it... but watch "Firefly" first. You get the background of the characters and it makes the movie that much more understandable.
Iis a GREAT movie. It made me like Jayne, Simon and River all that much more. It's a great "season finale" to the series that, in my opinion, shouldn't have been cancelled in the first place.

Domino

Domino

Another great movie. Tony Scott did a great job in creating a film that is both visually stimulating and just generally entertaining. Although I'm sure I'll be bitching about her job in the upcoming P&P adaptation, Keira Knightley is excellent in this. It was refreshing to see her play a tough bitch for once. Mickey Rourke is great as her boss and Edgar Ramirez is also perfect as Choco, who's described as "psychotic" more than once. Again, this is one of those movies that touches every genre: it's very stylized, very funny, dramatic, action-packed and very sad. I would recommend seeing it on the big screen if you are planning to go see it, which you really should. I didn't think I was going to like it all that much when I saw the previews, simply because I'm not a huge fan of Keira Knightley... but I'm still recovering from just how good it was.

Haikus as Reviews

Alright, I've decided to finally write reviews for the movies I've seen recently. BUT to save you all the work and pain associated with reading long reviews filled with sarcasm and assumed rolling eyes and ranting, I'm going to attempt to write haikus for all of them:

Howl's Moving Castle:
Big walking castle
Flying man and stupid girl,
Crazy anime.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants:
Four teenage girl friends
Four different crisis scenes
One shitty crap fest.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:
The last of six films
With Obi-Wan, Darth et. al.
Lucas still rocks on.

Mr & Mrs Smith:
Jolie and Pitt star
Humour, sex, guns and explosions
Funny, but too bloody.

Batman Begins:
Christian Bale is hot
Caped crusader fights baddies
Best Batman since Keaton.

Fantastic Four:
Crazy cloud morphs five
Four good, one evil, of course
Formula, but fun.

And there you go.

Mindhunters

Mindhunters

This movie was probably one of the worst I've ever seen, including The Base 2 and any movie starring Dolph Lundgreen. It stars two washed-up actors (Val Kilmer and Christian Slater), two actors who are still vaguely great at acting (LL Cool J and Jonny Lee Miller... I'm stretching in LL's case obviously), one actress who continues to piss the hell out of me (Kathryn Morris, the annoying woman in Cold Case, the rip-off of the Canadian show Cold Squad) and the actress who played Imhotep's mistress in The Mummy, I forget her name, but this was obviously a step down for her career-wise. Oh, and some other guys who really don't matter much, since they both get whacked.
I still can't believe this movie was released in theatres. It honestly seems like something that would go straight to video, then sit on the shelves until someone utterly bored out of their mind would pick it up. Not only that, but they take the title of John Douglas' first book, add an 's', then don't give him credit. They also refer to "UNSUB" and "VICAP" without explaining what each of them are, which leaves those who haven't read anything on criminal profiling or criminal justice in the dark as to what they are. There are some killer lines in it as well, such as "Iny, miny, mino, mo. Who's the next motherfucker to go?" and "Now we know his weakness: bullets"... granted all these gems are from LL Cool J, but there are numerous others. The ending is pretty predictable. So although it was slightly scary seeing as the "profilers" are stuck on an isolated island in a creepy rundown building and they're being killed in gross and disgusting ways one by one until it's just the killer and the one who was told wouldn't "make profiler", it's really not worth seeing. It's not even worth the time to download.

Kingdom of Heaven

Kingdom of Heaven

I don't want to spend a lot of time on this review mainly because there isn't a lot to say about this movie. It reeked of trying to regain some of the success that came from Gladiator. And let me tell you, Orlando Bloom ain't Russell Crowe. Sure he's beautiful, but he really shouldn't be allowed to try and make inspirational speeches. The end scene in which Saladdin's army lays a siege on Jerusalem (held by the Christians, and gee golly gosh, Orlando Bloom too) is a blatant rip-off of the climactic battle scene in Return of the King. I mean honestly! I am not joking. If you go see this movie (which I recommend you don't, but it's your money), you'll see what I mean. The only stellar bits in this movie are the scenes with Liam Neeson, though god knows those don't last long enough, David Thewlis, who is quickly becoming a favourite of mine, and Jeremy Irons, who kicks ass in any movie he's in, including the stinker Dungeons and Dragons. The female lead, Eva Green, is alright. She's not the greatest actress, but she's very pretty, so she compliments Orlando quite nicely. Did anyone else notice that three of the actors in that movie were also in Timeline?? No? just me? Not surprised. I was seriously disappointed by the movie. It was lacking in everything: plot, character development, character in general, action, drama, everything. The only reason why I would call the experience of seeing it enjoyable was the fact that it was so easily mocked. And mock it we did.

Sahara

Sahara

Summary: Matthew McConaughey swimming, Matthew McConaughey beating the crap out of some dudes, Penelope Cruz pouting, Steve Zahn cracking jokes and losing hats, Matthew McConaughey blowing up crap.......
I hate to be a downer AGAIN, so I will try and point out the good parts of the movie:
Steve Zahn - everything and anything he says. He is not only attractive, he is freaking hilarious too
The iron ship thingy they are searching for
The town they visit in the desert - it's all adobe style, pretty sweet
Ummm.... the bad guy in it, he was pretty cool
The banter between Steven Zahn and Matthew McConaughey (aka Al Giordino and Dirk Pitt)
William H. Macy playing Admiral Sandecker
Ok, I ran out of stuff... and now the bad points:
Matthew McConaughey playing Dirk Pitt
Matthew McConaughey cracking jokes as Dirk Pitt
Matthew McConaughey
Penelope Cruz
Matthew McConaughey using a plane as a windsurfer
The ridiculous idea that an iron ship could make it's way to a river in Africa
The severe lack of Al kicking butt
The severe lack of Delroy Lindo
The severe lack of William H. Macy
I gotta cut this review short since I'm getting more and more inebriated as the night progresses... It's not a BAD movie per say, it's just not what I pictured a Clive Cussler book-to-movie film to be like. I did NOT picture Matthew McConaughey as Dirk Pitt. I did not like the fact that he played Dirk Pitt as a pretty happy guy, considering Pitt is a pretty tortured individual who flits from girl to girl (like Bond) after the woman he loves dies in the first book. They're fun books to read... they did an alright job of transferring the action to the big screen, I just think it could have been a LOT better. And apparently Clive Cussler feels the same way considering he's sueing the filmmakers. HA TAKE THAT!

Sin City

Sin City

The trailers for this movie were amazing, and, contrary to what Katie says, I thought the movie lived up to them, even though they never used Cells in the actual movie.
Marv's storyline is the first of the three and it revolves around an ex-con named, obviously, Marv. Mickey Rourke does an awesome job of playing the odd-looking tough guy. The humourous lines he delivers are great too: "I know eating people is pretty weird". His story was probably my favourite, though I'm never going to look at Elijah Wood the same ever again. Creepy.
Clive Owen's story is the second one and I was really glad that Brittany Murphy didn't play a huge part in it. She really annoys me. Clive Owen plays Dwight, who's occupation isn't really stated, though it's clear it's a really legal profession. He hangs with some whores (Rosario Dawson, Devon Aoki, Alexis Bledel) and they accidentally kill a cop (Benecio del Toro). I think this is probably the most violent storyline, considering the way del Toro is treated. But there are also some funny bits in it, ie when one of Manute's henchmen is shot straight-through with what looks like a harpoon, but says "uh, guys? should I go to a doctor or something? hello?". Plus, it just rocks that Tommy Flanagan was in it as Brian, an Irish mercenary.
Bruce Willis' story was the last one, but I didn't enjoy it as much. Hartigan is a great character, but the love story between him and Jessica Alba (Nancy) was slightly disturbing, considering Hartigan is supposed to be around 60 and Nancy is all of 19 years old. SHUDDER. Nick Stahl was creepy and gross as Yellow Bastard, but I thought he did a great job, considering the amount of prosthetic and makeup he must have had to wear.
The music absolutely rocked in it, too. I think they put together a stellar cast, and had the storylines connect in a subtle, yet extremely creative way. Excellent movie. I think it's going to be one of those cult flicks. Hopefully it'll get people into the world of graphic novels.

Bride and Prejudice (+ Keira Knightley-induced rant)

Bride and Prejudice

Being the ultimate fan of Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" and having a soft spot for Bollywood, I figured I'd go see it. Good idea on my part. Even though I could call every. single. plot. twist. it was still funny. I loved the fact that Martin Henderson kept throwing Aishwarya Rai numerous "tortured love" looks, patented by Colin Firth in the BBC version of P&P. I think that Chadha could have been a bit more original with the names though, considering she kept both Will Darcy and Wickham... though she did a great job with Kholi (instead of Collins). LOVED the fact that Naveen Andrews was in it. I mean, really, we love him already as Sayid, but having him as the Indian equivalent of Charles Bingley is just plain awesome. There are so many great things about this movie... I can't wait for it to come out (in North America) on video.


Speaking of P&P, I forgot that someone has DARED to make a movie based on the novel.... starring Keira Knightly as Lizzie. *long, long, long pause..... punctuated by scream of frustration*. Keira. Knightley. No. Just No. There is no effing way that Keira Knightley is going to do a good job on this. And the man stepping into the shoes that only one man can fill? Matthew MacFadyen (no relation to Andrew MacFadyen mind you). He has been in nothing. Seriously, I'm not joking. The only major work out of his resume that I even recognise is MI-5, that stupid secret agent show in Britain. AH! AH GOD!!!!! JENA MALONE AS LYDIA?? ARE THEY ABSOLUTELY CRACKERS?? *deep breath*. Oh man, I can just see it now "Pride Remake flops at Box Office: WTF were they thinking? say Ebert and Roeper". Aw crap. Who am I kidding? I'll go see it when it comes out... but I doubt I'll enjoy it. I'll have to go see it myself in order to stop myself from bitching about how shit it is to other people.