Quantum of Solace trailer

27 Dresses

I went to see 27 Dresses last night. Yep, the romantic comedy starring that bitch from Grey's Autopsy and the hotness that is James Marsden.

The story is ridiculously predictable, as Skank Cancer plays Jane, a woman who's been a bridesmaid 27 times over. She's organised, reliable and, surprise!, in love with her boss (Ed Burns), who turns around and falls for her sister, Tess (Malin Akerman). Predictably, it falls to Jane to plan the wedding, all the while being harassed by Kevin (James Marsden), a journalist who wishes to break out of the wedding section and write real stories. Predictably, Jane and Kevin hook up, then there's an obstacle and then, what do you think, it ends with the standard big kiss at the end.

While I enjoy most romantic comedies (I admit that I liked both Just Like Heaven and Just My Luck, which are probably two of the worst I have seen in recent memory), I felt like I was losing precious brain cells by the second while watching this piece of crap. I'm not kidding. I know that people exaggerate using the "I lost brain cells" thing, but I swear I really did. I didn't grasp the concept of the credits, that's how dumb this movie made me. The best part about it was the audience, a majority of girls between the ages of about 18 to 35, who sighed and "awwwed" at the appropriate moments en masse, and one girl even shouted "YES!" after Katherine Heigl punched some guy. Personally, I would have done the same if someone had punched Katherine Heigl. While she annoyed me a tad in Knocked Up as the somewhat uptight A-personality woman, she was really testing me in this little number. I think I spent half the movie rolling my eyes at her doormat-ish ways and constant whining.And yes, I think I am considerably dumber from seeing it. Do not suffer the same fate, especially if you need that precious brain matter to, I don't know, launch a full-scale attack on the AMPTP offices to end this damn writer's strike so we don't have to suffer through shit like 27 Dresses.

Transformers

Premise: Robots lose cube that can make planets, the bad ones figure out it's on earth and land here, the good ones follow in order to protect the human race. Bad robots disguise themselves as tanks, police cars, black hawk helicopters, stealth jets, while the good robots disguise themselves as 18-wheelers, piece of shit camaros, and trucks. Enter nerdy human descendent (Shia Labeouf) of old guy who had glasses with the cube's location imprinted on them. Enter girl (Megan Fox) who nerdy guy wishes to impress, so he buys a car which ends up being an autobot. Resulting battle between good and evil robots ensues.

Outcome: Pretty damn awesome. This is a Michael Bay film, so you really can't expect anything but dawn and dusk shots with lens flare, tons of explosions and really stupid one-liners.

If you ever watched "Tranformers" the cartoon on TV as a kid, the human actors are only props used to further the paperthin storyline. It's all about the robots. What makes it even better is the fact that Michael Bay and the rest of his team managed to get the original voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). They even replicated the sound of the robots transforming from the TV show, which was just more icing on the cake. I don't remember the cartoon too much, but the introduction of the rest of the Decepticons later in the movie brought a lot of it back. You can't forget names like Bonecrusher, Starscream and Barricade. Like I said, you don't go to Michael Bay movies for plot, you either go for the eyecandy or for the mindboggling effects. Transformers doesn't disappoint with the CGI. The only thing I disliked were the cheesy lines given to Optimus Prime. Was he always that philosophic and corny? Prime example: Ironhide asks Optimus why they're protecting the humans since they're a violent, destructive race, to which Optimus replies "Were we so different?", sparking a laughing fit from Maggie and I that lasted about 10 minutes.

Ultimately, it's pretty much a movie for 15 year old boys and fans of the cartoon (don't try to tell me they can be one and the same, seeing as the show ended back in 1987, and the reruns were off TV by the time I was halfway through elementary school). Even if you're not in either of those groups, you can still appreciate the action, and the utter kickass quality of the CGI. It's not a great film, and it's not going to win any noteworthy awards, but it's great summer fun. Definately worth seeing.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Now that I've seen the 168 minute long third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean, I can safely say that I hope to God and all his minions that this is the end. The Jack Sparrow schtick is getting old, and I for one am sick to death of it. Granted, the first film was great, seeing as it brought new interest to the somewhat-ignored area of Pirate Movies. Jack Sparrow was the bumbling pirate who always seemed to be three sheets to the wind, and Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley were still relatively new faces in Hollywood. The second film was just... unneccesary... especially with the inclusion of Barbossa at the end. I left the theatre scratching my head, wondering "didn't he die in the first one??" and disappointed with the contrived Jack/Elizabeth plotline, which did nothing for the movie except make me dislike both characters. The only redeeming features of the second movie were the visual effects, Bill Nighy as Davey Jones, and the fact that Jack Davenport had a beard. Which is not saying much.

So, with that in mind, you can see where I'm going with this review. The visual effects were still fantastic, and Bill Nighy was still great, complete with tentacley face. Jack Davenport apparently shaved his beard, and thus lost a little something, but he was really the only character I was interested in. Actually, the monkey was the only great character in the entire thing. Anyway, on to the plot. Like the Knocked Up review, I'm writing this a few weeks after seeing it, so I'm a little fuzzy on the details. I'm pretty sure it opened with Will, Elizabeth, Barbossa and their posse of pirates going to Singapore (or maybe Shanghai? I don't know) to propose teaming up with Chow Yun Fat, who says no and tries to kill them. Obviously, they escape, and sail around trying to find Jack, who's been sent to Davey Jones' locker. At this point, the scene changes to focus on Johnny Depp, who's apparently had an acid trip... either that or my M&Ms were laced with LSD because, for no apparent reason, there are about 40 Jack Sparrows wandering around. Needless to say, it's out of the blue and completely fucked up. Regardless, he meets up with the posse and they manage to escape Davey Jones' locker. The plot kind of unravels at this point (not that there was much of one in the first place), and this is only about 30 minutes into the movie. Somehow Elizabeth gets captured by Chow Yun Fat and his dudes, and Will gets trapped on Davey Jones' boat, but they all find each other and a huge naval battle ensues.

Of course, Keith Richards makes an appearance, and there's a needless meeting between all the pirate lords, who disappear at one point, even though there are like 8 of them, plus all their cronies. The ending is disappointing, open-ended and nauseating. I didn't bother to stay until the end of the credits, because I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but apparently there's a little scene at the end alluding to possibly another movie. To that I say, HELL NO. You could not drag me to see another goddamn Pirates of the Caribbean movie. What really disappoints me is just how greedy studios have become. Movies that were great by themselves and as such, big box office hits, have been needlessly turned into trilogies (Shrek, Pirates, The Matrix), and it just shows a complete lack of originality in Hollywood these days.

DVD Review: Highlander

Amanda's been talking about this movie pretty much since the day I became friends with her (I should have realised this was a sign of things to come), so we finally rented it the other night. I actually told her I would start this review with "What. The. Fuck." Sorry Amanda, I figured I'd just mock you instead.

Really though. What the fuck? That's all I could say for the first 20 minutes or so of this movie. Wrestling? Swordfighting in a parking garage against some 50 year-old acrobat? Decapitation and lightning? EIGHTIES HAIR? oh God the humanity! I was confused when Christopher Lambert all of a sudden had flashbacks to a Braveheart-style battle while he was watching team wrestling inside Madison Square Garden(s?), but I guess I'd zone out too if I had to watch that.

The audience gets his backstory in a series of flashbacks where he's got long ratty hair and wears a kilt, all the while affecting a terrible Scottish accent. He's Connor McLeod! Proud member of the McLeod clan, defender of freedom, lover of some blond-haired wench, fighter of guys in skull-decorated armour... oh, plus he's immortal. Anyhoo, he gets thrown out by his village because they think he's a witch and he sets up camp elsewhere, manages to find another blonde-haired wench in the process. Sean Connery shows up... hilarity ensues... mainly because Christopher Lambert is an American playing a Scotsman who doesn't sound like a Scotsman, and Sean Connery is a Scotsman playing an Egyptian with a Spanish name who sounds like a Scotsman. He teaches Connor all about being immortal, even going to the lengths of pushing him into the lake, even though he can't swim, but obviously he can't die, so no harm, no foul. Connery blabbers on about not dying and the quickening and the gathering, but then the dude with the skull armour shows up and decapitates him, cause apparently that's an immortal's only weakness. Strangely enough, decapitating a mortal only makes them stronger......

In modern times, Connor's changed his name to something Nash (not Pluto) so people don't know that he's like 400 years old, and he crosses paths with a woman who is investigating the death of the acrobat guy he decapitated in the beginning. She has fairly terrible eighties hair, belts her shirts and thinks that hiding a gun in a set of drawers in plain sight is terribly sneaky. Regardless, they have a fairly graphic sex scene, in front of a picture window looking out on the entire city no less, and then he has to go fight the skull-armour dude so that the gathering can happen.

Seriously, this movie is hilarious. It is one of the most unintentionally funny movies I have ever seen (Doom will always be number one though). From Lambert's hard-to-place accent, to Sean Connery playing a guy named Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, to the over-usage of lightning effects and the phrase "There can be only one!", do I really need to explain the utter mockability of this movie?

Just a sidenote: This movie somehow managed to get a 71% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. How in the hell did that happen?

DVD Review: Casino Royale

I'm not going to lie and say this was one of the worst movies I've ever seen... but I definately wasn't as entertained as I should have been, considering it's supposed to be one of the better Bond films of late. After the utter shit that was Die Another Day, I was really hesistant to go out and waste my money on this in the theatre... so I'm glad I waited until one of my friends rented it.

First of all, let me just get this out of the way: I have never, still don't and never will agree with the choice of Daniel Craig as James Bond. A) He's blonde, B) he's a beefcake and C) just... blech. Never in my mind will he stack up with Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore and god help me, George Lazenby. I'm only expressing this so you understand how I felt going into this movie.

So it starts with... er... oh wait, I remember, in black and white, to which Maggie (who'd never seen a Bond film before) goes "is this whole goddamn movie in black and white? *sigh*", which was pretty funny. Anyway, so there's this dude, and he goes into his office, but of course Bond is sitting there being like "I'm a 00 agent now, so I'm going to shoot you in the head because I already killed your associate and it takes two kills to make me 007 and naner naner naner" etc etc. So I'm already bothered by the fact that Bond has mercilessly killed this guy in cold blood by drowning him in a bathroom sink because James Bond is supposed to be all quippy and dry wit when about to kill an enemy. But I digress...

Anyway, then there's some stuff in other places with guns and bad guys and chase scenes and people getting blown up, which is pretty typical of Bond movies... the good ones anyway. James Bond goes back to London, breaks into his boss' house, which she doesn't seem to perturbed about, and they decide he should go join a high-stakes poker game (or some other card game, who the fuck cares really) so that he can catch the bad guy. He meets a lady on the train, thinks she's pretty, makes some joke about her ass, or his ass, or something, I quickly make the call that she's either evil, or dead meat. Card game goes on, James Bond gets a drink (NOT a martini shaken not stirred). Blah blah blah... with most Bond films you can sum the plots up in about 5 seconds, and this one is no different. So I was a little thrown when along comes this 20 minute long sequence (could have been longer, or shorter, either way it felt like waaaaay too long) of Bond and the evil/dead girl being schmultzy. Gross.

I'm going to stop with the summary here, partly because I really don't remember a lot of the details and partly because I don't want to ruin the entire thing for those who haven't seen it yet. For those of you who *have* seen it, spare me the whole "but it's to explain WHY Bond is the way he is in the other movies" argument. I do. not. care. For that argument to hold up, this movie would have to take place in the past, not the present... frankly, I think the space-time continuim just got a little fucked up because of it. Isn't the world supposed to explode when that happens? I mean, how hard is it to base a movie about spies in the 1940s? You could have Bond fighting the Nazis! And he could earn his 00 status while retrieving ancient relics while his crotchety Scottish dad goes around and - oh wait.

The Lake House, The Omen

Final verdicts:

The Lake House: If you ignore the fact that the plot really doesn't make sense (ie the being able to contact each other even though they live two years apart) and the fact that they never explain how said contact is possible, it's actually an okay movie, if you enjoy romances. And I do. I also enjoy Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Granted, neither of them will be awarded an Oscar anytime soon, but this movie was entertaining. Plus the ending was so very heart-warming and squishy.

The Omen: Sucked. With a capital S. Laughable and campy. I really REALLY wanted Liev Schreiber to kill the kid in the end. *I* wanted to kill the kid by the end. He was not scary. Every time he glared at Julia Stiles (or "mummy"), the entire audience LAUGHED. Ugh. Just plain stupid. The only parts where I jumped were when they basically threw shit at you (weird thing in mirror when Julia Stiles closes cabinet... crazy nanny jumping on Liev Schreiber's back, etc). Maybe I'm just not one of those people who get scared at "freaky weird kids who scare people shitless with their weirdness" movies, since I thought Rosemary's Baby was a huge waste of time (they never even show what the kid looks like!) and I thought The Grudge was garbage. I felt bad for David Thewlis' character though. Poor guy. Anyway, waste of money, Don't go see.

Mission: Impossible III

Mission: Impossible III

I'm going to bypass how annoyed I am that I'm going to miss all the season finales of shows that I watch and go straight into mocking Mission: Impossible III.

Forgetting the tiny problem of Tom Cruise being completely bonkers, this movie wasn't too bad. I actually found it hilarious to watch. It was entertaining, though I doubt in the way that J.J. Abrams planned it to be. Maybe it was the fact that I went with two people who found it just as stupid, or maybe it was the scene where Tom looks directly into the camera and says "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall" (I kid you not), but I was somewhat enjoying myself through the entire film.That is, until I went home, sat down for a while, and realised there was no plot. That's right, NO. PLOT. Sure, there's some cars blowing up, and disguises etc, but the kidnapping of the wife, plus the whole "Rabbit's Foot" theft leads to nothing. I think Billy Crudup's character tries to explain why the bad guys are doing everything at one point, but it's a terrible explanation, and it's probably only one line of complete bullshit. Granted, I thought some bits were funny (including the scenes that were meant to be humourous), such as Johnathan Rhys-Meyers and Tom Crazy pretending to be Italian while in Vatican City... or some of the lines exchanged between Ving Rhames and Tom Crazy, even though they were very cliched.

So many parts of MI:III disturbed me though. One being the fact that the lead, Michelle Monaghan, looks very similar to Katie Holmes (Tom's indentured slave- I mean girlfriend). Another being the disgusting way Keri Russell's character dies. This movie was way too much of an ego trip for Tom Cruise, and it's not like anyone's going to believe that you're acting, buddy, you really are that crazy.

The *only* redeemable character in this movie was Benji, played by Simon Pegg, mainly because he didn't have a big enough part, which meant fewer bad puns/lines. And frankly, any character that Simon Pegg plays is awesome.

Well, I felt like my money was spent well due to the fact that a) I laughed my ass off, and b) I got to see Tom Cruise die for a little bit. But that's just me.

American Dreamz

American Dreamz

I went to see American Dreamz last night with Jacqui after a yummy dinner at Spring Rolls.
I really don't know how to explain this movie... sure it's a comedy, I guess, but it's also kind of dark, and slightly doc-ish, due to the fact that Dennis Quaid basically plays a more likeable, smarter Bush. There are few redeemable features to "American Dreamz" but I'd say these are the best parts:- Dennis Quaid's performance, especially a scene near the end of the film where he gets feedback in the earpiece he's wearing- the Omer character and his family, as well as the sleeper cell guys ("They don't call me the Torturer because I don't like torturing people, you know?")- the surprisingly refreshing ending- Seth Meyers!!The rest of it was like watching a particularly annoying episode of American Idol, which is painful in itself. Mandy Moore was nauseating in it. The title song drove me crazy due to the fact that the line "dreamz with a zee" is repeated about six MILLION times (and us Canadians know it's zed). Chris Klein was boring, as usual, and Hugh Grant made me want to punch him in the face.This is definately not worth the 10 bucks to see in the theatre. If you desperately want to see it, WAIT. Wait until it's out on video. Or download it.

Brokeback Mountain

Brokeback Mountain

Ah, Brokeback Mountain. Why are you getting so much praise? Is it because you really are a great movie with an equally great story? No. Is it because the great acting overcomes the overall shittiness of the script? No. Is it because you're about a couple of gay cowboys during the 1960s, a story which hasn't been done yet? Most likely.

I don't want to overexaggerate, but this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. None of the actors in this hackneyed piece of crap should have signed on to be in it. I have lost respect for both Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal for acting in this. My opinion of Michelle Williams, however, has improved, seeing as she was the only one who actually displayed any emotion or talent during the almost 3 hour marathon crapfest. Although, I do think Anne Hathaway did a good job with a role that was unlike anything she's done before. Kudos.

Firstly, Heath, man, when you're in a movie, there's something called pronounciation. You know how you do this? You open your GODDAMN MOUTH! I don't know about anyone else, but I couldn't understand a single word Heath Ledger was saying. Gone are the days of 10 Things I Hate About You, when you were a gorgey long-haired Australian who projected your lines. Instead, you've elected to adopt an accent completely unlike your own, and close your mouth, clench your jaw and make the audience guess at your lines. At least Jake Gyllenhaal was understandable! He should be getting the Best Actor nod, not you.

Secondly, this movie is supposed to be about "two cowboys who fall in love"... I saw nothing but their selfish need for sex. There was absolutely NO chemistry between the two characters (I won't go into the lack of chemistry between the two actors because, well, neither of them are gay, so of course there wouldn't be a lot of chemistry, but I digress...) and the only emotion displayed was when a) Jake Gyllenhaal got pissed because he discovered he wouldn't be getting any gay lovin' for a few months and b) Heath Ledger starts crying when he finds his disgusting slightly bloodied shirt in Jake Gyllenhaal's closet. The emotional outburst at the end was, in my opinion, completely out of the blue.

Don't bother with this. Unless you enjoy a slow-moving, long, slightly boring movie that features completely dislikeable characters, don't bother. It's not worth the money or the time, and I personally don't understand why it's garnering such great opinions.

Alexander

Alexander

To sum it up... if you want to feel like you've lost 6 hours of your life, go see this movie. It's not that it's a terrible movie, it's just extremely long. At one point, the narrator (Anthony Hopkins) says "Alexander should have died in India.... but that was a myth" and I let out a HUGE "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh" and Rachel and I laughed... we laughed maniacally for our brains had been turned into goo because the movie was so long. It's the sign of a bad film when you constantly check your watch to try and figure out how much longer it could possibly go on for. By the end, Rachel said "Okay Anthony Hopkins, just SHUT UP SO WE CAN GO HOME" hahahahahaa.
All in all it wasn't bad plot-wise. Though I guess you can't really screw the plot up since it's basically a Hollywood-ized biography of Alexander. The little things got to me though... like: graphically showing men stabbing horses and elephants, thank you, but I really don't want to see animals being shot... Hephaestion at the battle in India - got sliced in the femoral artery with an axe and DIDN'T DIE. Sure, ok, whatever, except he would have bled to death you idiots. What REALLY pissed me off about it was that it slightly glorified genocide and assimilation. When Alexander tells the Persians that their sons will be Greek-educated and be part of the Greek army, they're all like "Wheeeeeee! I'm SO excited for that! Praise Alexander!". Sorry, I don't believe that

Haikus as Reviews

Alright, I've decided to finally write reviews for the movies I've seen recently. BUT to save you all the work and pain associated with reading long reviews filled with sarcasm and assumed rolling eyes and ranting, I'm going to attempt to write haikus for all of them:

Howl's Moving Castle:
Big walking castle
Flying man and stupid girl,
Crazy anime.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants:
Four teenage girl friends
Four different crisis scenes
One shitty crap fest.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:
The last of six films
With Obi-Wan, Darth et. al.
Lucas still rocks on.

Mr & Mrs Smith:
Jolie and Pitt star
Humour, sex, guns and explosions
Funny, but too bloody.

Batman Begins:
Christian Bale is hot
Caped crusader fights baddies
Best Batman since Keaton.

Fantastic Four:
Crazy cloud morphs five
Four good, one evil, of course
Formula, but fun.

And there you go.

Mindhunters

Mindhunters

This movie was probably one of the worst I've ever seen, including The Base 2 and any movie starring Dolph Lundgreen. It stars two washed-up actors (Val Kilmer and Christian Slater), two actors who are still vaguely great at acting (LL Cool J and Jonny Lee Miller... I'm stretching in LL's case obviously), one actress who continues to piss the hell out of me (Kathryn Morris, the annoying woman in Cold Case, the rip-off of the Canadian show Cold Squad) and the actress who played Imhotep's mistress in The Mummy, I forget her name, but this was obviously a step down for her career-wise. Oh, and some other guys who really don't matter much, since they both get whacked.
I still can't believe this movie was released in theatres. It honestly seems like something that would go straight to video, then sit on the shelves until someone utterly bored out of their mind would pick it up. Not only that, but they take the title of John Douglas' first book, add an 's', then don't give him credit. They also refer to "UNSUB" and "VICAP" without explaining what each of them are, which leaves those who haven't read anything on criminal profiling or criminal justice in the dark as to what they are. There are some killer lines in it as well, such as "Iny, miny, mino, mo. Who's the next motherfucker to go?" and "Now we know his weakness: bullets"... granted all these gems are from LL Cool J, but there are numerous others. The ending is pretty predictable. So although it was slightly scary seeing as the "profilers" are stuck on an isolated island in a creepy rundown building and they're being killed in gross and disgusting ways one by one until it's just the killer and the one who was told wouldn't "make profiler", it's really not worth seeing. It's not even worth the time to download.

Sahara

Sahara

Summary: Matthew McConaughey swimming, Matthew McConaughey beating the crap out of some dudes, Penelope Cruz pouting, Steve Zahn cracking jokes and losing hats, Matthew McConaughey blowing up crap.......
I hate to be a downer AGAIN, so I will try and point out the good parts of the movie:
Steve Zahn - everything and anything he says. He is not only attractive, he is freaking hilarious too
The iron ship thingy they are searching for
The town they visit in the desert - it's all adobe style, pretty sweet
Ummm.... the bad guy in it, he was pretty cool
The banter between Steven Zahn and Matthew McConaughey (aka Al Giordino and Dirk Pitt)
William H. Macy playing Admiral Sandecker
Ok, I ran out of stuff... and now the bad points:
Matthew McConaughey playing Dirk Pitt
Matthew McConaughey cracking jokes as Dirk Pitt
Matthew McConaughey
Penelope Cruz
Matthew McConaughey using a plane as a windsurfer
The ridiculous idea that an iron ship could make it's way to a river in Africa
The severe lack of Al kicking butt
The severe lack of Delroy Lindo
The severe lack of William H. Macy
I gotta cut this review short since I'm getting more and more inebriated as the night progresses... It's not a BAD movie per say, it's just not what I pictured a Clive Cussler book-to-movie film to be like. I did NOT picture Matthew McConaughey as Dirk Pitt. I did not like the fact that he played Dirk Pitt as a pretty happy guy, considering Pitt is a pretty tortured individual who flits from girl to girl (like Bond) after the woman he loves dies in the first book. They're fun books to read... they did an alright job of transferring the action to the big screen, I just think it could have been a LOT better. And apparently Clive Cussler feels the same way considering he's sueing the filmmakers. HA TAKE THAT!

Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police

I dunno if any of you guys have seen it, but it is so funny. You have to sort of be a South Park fan to get some of the jokes, or find some of them funny, but having an ENTIRE movie played by marionettes is just to good to pass up. It's so hard to describe it without giving stuff away, so I'm just going to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it. So... if you don't want it ruined, don't read the rest of this...
Considering the movie starts out with Team America blowing up every historic and recognizable site in Paris, I knew it had to be funny. And the song that comes on at least five times during the film goes "America... FUCK YEAH" etc etc... I was holding my sides through the entire movie. After a while, you kind of forget that it's marionettes... creepy. My favourite character though was definately Kim Jong Il with his "hewrooooooo" and "I'm so ronrey, oh so ronrey...".
Anyway, go see it if you haven't yet... there are parts where you're so shocked that they did stuff, or said stuff, and there's parts where you just can't stop laughing.

The Village

The Village

Even the previews to this movie were complete shit. I mean, if I go to a movie and the movie turns out to be horribly horribly crap, then at least I've seen previews for movies that look good (though obviously I feel quite ripped-off by the theatre for paying 14 bloody dollars to watch 20 mins of previews). But I digress...
I was excited that Joaquin Phoenix was in it, simply because he's a pretty good actor. Not bad to look at either. I also realised that M. Night Shymalan (I'm going to refer to him as M-Dog from now on cause his last name is too goddam hard to spell) er, what was I saying before I so rudely interrupted myself?? Oh, M-Dog has a pattern with actors. The Village is his fourth big movie and he's only really used two actors for his main characters: Bruce Willis (the disappointing Sixth Sense, and er... some other one that looked retarded, it had Samuel L. Jackson in it *Shaft! you damn right...*) and Joaquin Phoenix (Signs and The Village). M-Dog also likes to put himself into his films (just like Hitchcock! he must be similarly gifted!!! not) which is slightly annoying because you spend the entire film going "is that him?? no wait, is *that* him??" which is useless since he makes it pretty damn obvious when he makes a cameo.
The Village is all about a town basically in the middle of bumfuck nowhere U.S.A. (go through the field, take a left at the cows). It's the end of the 19th century and, of course, they're living in a harmonius commune... except for that little carnivourous creature problem. The town has this... understanding with these freakish beings that live in the woods: (to quote William Hurt) they don't go into the woods and the creatures don't go into the town. Oh, if it were only that easy. Why, oh why, must you ruin their hippie valley M-Dog? Have you no shame??
The main shit-disturber?? You guessed it. Joaquin Phoenix, acting both stupidly brave and laughibly cowardly all at once, steps into the woods and, whoops, one of the creatures sees him. Crazy shit starts to happen and then there's a huge twist (I'd call it a hole, but whatever...) occurs in the script. I won't give it away in case you actually DO want to go see it... I'd recommend just downloading it though.
You know, after letting it sink in, I realised it *is* kind of a creepy movie, but just because of the music and the sound effects. There's a scene where the town gets together to celebrate a wedding that's particularly creepy because they keep hearing sounds in the woods (ie twigs breaking, howls, equally scary noises). The creatures' appearances are revealed too early in the film, but the first sight is pretty freaky.
Actually, you know what? Go see it. It's worth seeing in the threatre. I keep going over scenes in my head and, yeah, it's good... I mean, it's not as scary as The Ring, but I've realised that M-Dog's movies aren't about making you an insomniac for 3 nights straight, but too be just slightly freaked out. And the twist in this is pretty good.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Ah hahaha.. no really.. don't pay full price for it anyway. But go see it, it's actually surprisingly funny. I was going to try and convince Jacqui to go see The Village, but we ended up seeing this instead. It's *so* refreshing, finally, to see a movie with non-caucasian males as the main characters. Both guys do an amazing job of keeping you entertained through their insanity.
Of course, it's the typical odd couple where one guy (Harold) is the straight man, hard worker type and the other (Kumar) is the partyer with no ambition even though he has the smarts. Being Asian and Indian respectively, they get a lot of shit from jerks who eventually get their come-uppance (if that's a word). It starts out with the two guys getting stoned and seeing a commercial for White Castle, a fast-food restaurant. So, obviously, they take the trek to New Brunswick. So they find the White Castle in New Brunswick is gone, but there is one relatively close by. Of course, nothing is *that* easy in the movies, so they run into a bunch of trouble including: a hippie with a huge bag of pot, a rascist cop, a horny Neil Patrick Harris (who promptly steals Harold's car), a guy covered in boils called Freakshow and an escaped cheetah. Okay, so it might not sound like the greatest movie, but it is worth seeing. There are a bunch of cameos by known actors (not great actors, but I recognised them from somewhere...) and the two main actors are hilarious.

The Bourne Supremacy

The Bourne Supremacy

Maybe it was just the fact that I had just come off work and had a mega-migraine, but I thought The Bourne Supremacy was absolute crap compared to The Bourne Identity. But I didn't think particularly highly of that film either, so it's not saying much.
I got really sick of seeing Matt Damon look: 1- incredibly confused during the entire movie and 2- really smug whenever he escaped the "bad guys". And he whined throughout the film about how the bad guys killed his girlfriend. Oh shut up. In the original book by Robert Ludlum, both his wife and his child are killed and he doesn't even remember, let alone grieve for a full MOVIE. So basically the movie is about Bourne (not his real name, duh, as those who have read The Bourne Identity know) going on a bloody vendetta in order to avenge his girlfriend's gruesome, yet predictable, death. The camera work in certain parts was really awful, especially to someone who's got a headache and is really, really tired. I kept rubbing my eyes and trying to figure out why the cameraman had turned into a manic squirrel.
The only good part about the film was, obviously, Karl Urban's character Kirill. He's a hired assassin, so of course he's awesome. From the very beginning you know he's evil cause he has a Russian accent... and he kills two guys and frames Bourne for it. But that's beside the point. Matt Damon got *so* annoying that I was secretly hoping Kirill would finally end my pain and put a final bullet in the amnesiac's head. But alas, my wishes were not fulfilled, since Bourne pulls an impossible stunt and they get into a car crash in a tunnel in... er... somewhere exotic... perhaps it was Berlin... anyways, so the camera, uncharacteristically still, pans in on Kirill's bloody face. BUT you can still see him breathing, so I'm hoping that they bring that character back when they inevitably make The Bourne Ultimadum into a movie... if only so I have someone to look at and cheer for while Matt Damon bumbles around again.

King Arthur (old review)

King Arthur

Saw King Arthur last night with Shel.

For the first twenty minutes or so, I didn't find much about it that I liked. I thought the focus on Lancelot at the beginning was extremely unnecessary, since the movie is called King ARTHUR. Sheesh. I also *hated* the fact that they passed Merlin off as an evil magician who fought Arthur and his knights (though this is probably due to the fact that I've been reading Mary Stewart's Crystal Cave series...) The only aspects of the film that I enjoyed in the first half an hour were the cinematography and the music.
It picked up after the knights go out on their "deadly" mission to rescue some stupid Roman kid, who, once he's back behind Hadrian's Wall, promptly disappears from the script (though he manages, in his short screen time, to mention to Arthur that his mentor was murdered *whoops*). Guinevere's discovered during this rescue mission and, *gasp*, turns out she's a... er... one of Merlin's henchmen, er, women, er, people... yeah, one of Merlin's henchpeople, meaning she can shoot a wicked bow and arrow and she wears crappy body paint that makes her look like some kind of native art. But I digress... by the end, I was sitting there going "okaaay... music good, Clive Owen good, sexual tension good, Arthur's knights good... " etc etc.
Speaking of Arthur's knights... Holy Mother of God and All Creation, were they good-lookin'. Of course, they kill off one of my favourites, the bastards, Tristan (ie, the one with the eagle and that Arthur is always telling to "Ride ahead"). He was KICK ASS. Kind of attractive, talented, smart, mysterious... *sigh*. Course, Hugh Dancy as Galahad totally rocked too. He was just enough innocence to pass off being "Galahad the Chaste". Gawain was also hot. I realised where I recognise that actor from too. He's the unfortunate young "Uncle Owen" in the latest travesty known as "Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones". He looks better with long dreadlocks. Lancelot is a story of his own. NOT hot. Sorry chiquitas, but his hair reminded me of one of the wigs on some Muppets character. Plus, he was too broody and he argued with Arthur a lot... and it pissed me off that the movie started with him... stupid. AND he's a total PERV, looking in on Guinevere when she was washing... sicko. Ioan Gruffald, my ass. Give me Star Wars dude *anytime*. wink wink.
So, all in all, it's a pretty good film. But Keira Knightley was really shafted with the part of Guinevere... though she *did* get to have a hot make-out scene with Clive Owen... *stares into space thoughtfully* It wasn't *really* what I expected it to be, which is good, because it exceeded my expectations. Go see it. GO SEE IT NOW.

The Day After Tomorrow (old review)

The Day After Tomorrow

Saw The Day After Tomorrow last night... it was pretty good actually. It was everything I expected it to be and the animation was really good. Plus, you can't help but love a director that destroys American National landmarks not once, not twice, but THREE times. That's right, this director made Independence Day, which blew up the White House. He also made Godzilla, which, again, destroyed New York city in numerous ways.
Here's the breakdown for you:
It starts with a little wind, then progresses to a whole lot of tornados, climaxes with a few big hurricanes and ends with a disgusting amount of cheese.
It's a cool movie though, I'd recommend it to anyone who needs something to do on a rainy day.