Brokeback Mountain

Brokeback Mountain

Ah, Brokeback Mountain. Why are you getting so much praise? Is it because you really are a great movie with an equally great story? No. Is it because the great acting overcomes the overall shittiness of the script? No. Is it because you're about a couple of gay cowboys during the 1960s, a story which hasn't been done yet? Most likely.

I don't want to overexaggerate, but this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. None of the actors in this hackneyed piece of crap should have signed on to be in it. I have lost respect for both Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal for acting in this. My opinion of Michelle Williams, however, has improved, seeing as she was the only one who actually displayed any emotion or talent during the almost 3 hour marathon crapfest. Although, I do think Anne Hathaway did a good job with a role that was unlike anything she's done before. Kudos.

Firstly, Heath, man, when you're in a movie, there's something called pronounciation. You know how you do this? You open your GODDAMN MOUTH! I don't know about anyone else, but I couldn't understand a single word Heath Ledger was saying. Gone are the days of 10 Things I Hate About You, when you were a gorgey long-haired Australian who projected your lines. Instead, you've elected to adopt an accent completely unlike your own, and close your mouth, clench your jaw and make the audience guess at your lines. At least Jake Gyllenhaal was understandable! He should be getting the Best Actor nod, not you.

Secondly, this movie is supposed to be about "two cowboys who fall in love"... I saw nothing but their selfish need for sex. There was absolutely NO chemistry between the two characters (I won't go into the lack of chemistry between the two actors because, well, neither of them are gay, so of course there wouldn't be a lot of chemistry, but I digress...) and the only emotion displayed was when a) Jake Gyllenhaal got pissed because he discovered he wouldn't be getting any gay lovin' for a few months and b) Heath Ledger starts crying when he finds his disgusting slightly bloodied shirt in Jake Gyllenhaal's closet. The emotional outburst at the end was, in my opinion, completely out of the blue.

Don't bother with this. Unless you enjoy a slow-moving, long, slightly boring movie that features completely dislikeable characters, don't bother. It's not worth the money or the time, and I personally don't understand why it's garnering such great opinions.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

There is nothing to criticize when it comes to this movie. I know that's hard to accept, considering I love to butcher helpless films into submission, but it's the truth. I loved every minute and every aspect of this film. Other than the Lord of the Rings films, this is the best book-to-film adaptation I've ever seen.

The actors: With a movie like this, there is always the chance that one of the actors will overact and ruin the entire film, or every scene he or she is in. Every single actor or actress in this movie did an excellent job. All of the main characters are played by actors under the age of 20, the youngest being 11. Georgie Hensley, who plays Lucy, is both adorable and talented, and she does a brilliant job with what is basically the main role. It's hard to imagine that this is her first role, since she does such an amazing job. Skandar Keynes, who plays Edmund, is only 14, but he also does an excellent job, especially as the selfish sibling who rats out his brother and sisters to the White Witch for some turkish delight. Both of the older Penvensies, Susan and Peter, played by Anna Popplewell and William Moseley respectively, are excellent as well. Yeah yeah, I'm repeating myself, but they really are great for such young actors. No doubt, these kids will all be in tons of movies in the next few years.

Even the CGI characters were awesome. Apparently the crew spent half of the film's budget to create the lion Aslan. Good investment. Aslan looks more realistic than any other CGI character I've seen in any movie. And voiced by Liam Neeson, overall he's a very stunning visual effect (again, kudos to the kids for acting so well in the scenes with Aslan, considering there's really nothing there). All of the CGI characters were well-constructed, and the voices for each (including Rupert Everett and Michael Madsen) were chosen well. Major props go to the Weta Workshop people, who created all of the costumes and sets that weren't digitally created.
If you haven't seen it yet, you're missing out. This is one of the best movies I have ever seen, and I rarely give that distinction.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Being the longest book in the series, it was pretty clear that the script writers weren't going to include every single scene from the novel, unless they wanted the film to be 7 hours long. In my opinion, books rarely translate well to the big screen, with the exception of the Lord of the Rings series, mainly because they got rid of all the stupid singing, and the part with Tom Bombadil. But I digress...
Maybe I was predisposed to be disappointed since I didn't like the fourth book, but the Goblet of Fire movie just wasn't as visually stunning as the third movie. Mike Newell did an okay job, but he lacked the creativity that Alfonso Cuaron brought to the Prisoner of Azkaban. Granted, the effects were still great, but the scene with the dragon really didn't have to last that long. They could've shortened that scene and inserted the scene where Barty Crouch Junior explains how he escaped from Azkaban, because the characters are always asserting how impossible it is to escape, and the lack of explanation makes the viewer assume that escapes are commonplace.
The acting was a lot better, however. These kids are improving brilliantly, and are getting to be quite talented. But the film overall was a disappointment. Sure, there were the humourous bits, and the quintessential action scenes, but there was nothing overly unique about it. The fourth book was distinctly darker than the third, but the third movie ended up being darker in nature than the fourth one. Let's all hope the fifth movie doesn't disappoint.

Alexander

Alexander

To sum it up... if you want to feel like you've lost 6 hours of your life, go see this movie. It's not that it's a terrible movie, it's just extremely long. At one point, the narrator (Anthony Hopkins) says "Alexander should have died in India.... but that was a myth" and I let out a HUGE "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh" and Rachel and I laughed... we laughed maniacally for our brains had been turned into goo because the movie was so long. It's the sign of a bad film when you constantly check your watch to try and figure out how much longer it could possibly go on for. By the end, Rachel said "Okay Anthony Hopkins, just SHUT UP SO WE CAN GO HOME" hahahahahaa.
All in all it wasn't bad plot-wise. Though I guess you can't really screw the plot up since it's basically a Hollywood-ized biography of Alexander. The little things got to me though... like: graphically showing men stabbing horses and elephants, thank you, but I really don't want to see animals being shot... Hephaestion at the battle in India - got sliced in the femoral artery with an axe and DIDN'T DIE. Sure, ok, whatever, except he would have bled to death you idiots. What REALLY pissed me off about it was that it slightly glorified genocide and assimilation. When Alexander tells the Persians that their sons will be Greek-educated and be part of the Greek army, they're all like "Wheeeeeee! I'm SO excited for that! Praise Alexander!". Sorry, I don't believe that

Pride and Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice

So I really seriously believed I would detest this movie, simply because I adore the 1995 miniseries, Colin Firth and I thought they had miscast pretty much everyone in this version. However, I left thinking it wasn't too bad and, upon further reflection, I realised it's pretty damn good (though obviously can't hold a candle to the BBC version).

The pros:

• Donald Sutherland as Mr. Bennet: I don't know how this man does it. He's 70 years old and he still kicks ass. He made Mr. Bennet a lot wittier rather than simply long-suffering.



• Brenda Blethyn as Mrs. Bennet: Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant.



• The cinematography: They chose absolutely beautiful locations to film. Although I wasn't a fan of how slummed-down they made Longbourn, they kept Pemberley very much how I pictured it.



• Matthew MacFadyen: Yes, yes, he's no Colin Firth, that's for sure, but he still did a good job. I didn't think he was too handsome at first, but he really does grow on you, especially since he doesn't give up on Elizabeth even after she pretty much bitches him out for things he didn't do. There were certain moments between him and Elizabeth that I just loved too, such as when he gives her a hand up to her carriage after she stays at Netherfield with Jane, and when he walks away, he flexes his hand a bit. I don't know why I love that scene so much, I just do. It's very simple, but it conveys a lot. The scene where he goes to the Collins' house to see Elizabeth (and in my opinion, to propose) is great too, because it still retained the character's anxiety that Colin Firth did so well in the BBC version. I have to say, by the end, I thought Matthew MacFadyen was pretty hot, but that's probably due to the fact that I LOVE the character of Mr. Darcy, so it wouldn't matter who the hell played him as long as they did it relatively well. He also did an excellent job with the heated stares that Colin Firth did in the miniseries. No woman can resist a heated stare from Mr. Darcy (don't believe me? watch the miniseries/this movie)



• The Chemistry: Even though Ms. Keira disappointed me (see cons), I have to say that the two leads had some amazing chemistry. Even in the beginning, when she's supposed to hate him, you can still sense the underlying attraction between them.



• The fact that it's 2 hours long instead of 6: This is important. I have actually sat down and watched all 6 hours of the BBC miniseries in one day. It's definately still the best adaptation, but, with this film, you don't have to commit to all 6 hours in order to get the gist of the story. They had all of the important moments and it was still enjoyable. Granted, the passage of time wasn't as apparent as it is in the miniseries, but they do a pretty good job of trying to convey it in certain scenes.



• Not enough Wickham: Don't get me wrong, I hate his character, but there were too few scenes with him. You can't judge his character within the two main scenes that he's in. You don't even get the feeling that he "hates" Mr. Darcy as he's supposed to (though you definately feel the hatred from Mr. Darcy). Plus, he looked like Orlando Bloom's ugly cousin... and that's not a compliment.



• Improvement with Jane Bennet: No offense to Susannah Harker, but you are not, as Mrs. Bennet says, the beauty of the family. In the words of Alanna, she looks like a dinosaur. Jane is supposed to be the most beautiful of all the Bennet's daughters, but Elizabeth was definately the prettiest in the miniseries. I think they improved on that with this film. Rosamund Pike is noticeably prettier than Susannah Harker and, in my opinion, prettier than Keira Knightley, though that may be because I'm just sick of Keira Knightley's face plastered everywhere.
  

The cons:

• WHAT DID YOU DO TO MR. BINGLEY????????: *ahem* Seriously. What. Did. You. Do. Mr. Bingley is not a tongue-tied mentally deficient moron with exploded hair and bulging eyes. I can understand the stammering. He's so in love with Jane that he can't control his speech, etc etc. But really... give him so pomade for god's sake! He honestly comes across as someone who can't think for himself, and only FINALLY proposes to Jane because Darcy told him to.



• Keira Knightley: I'm sorry my dear, but frankly, you sucked. Okay, sucked is maybe too harsh a term, but you certainly didn't win me over. I don't know what it was... maybe it's just because I've gotten so used to seeing Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet that I just can't possibly accept anyone else playing her. But I don't think that's it. I think it's because you sucked.



• The fact that she was in every scene: See above. If I thought she sucked, the fact that she's in almost every scene didn't do all that much to try and persuade me otherwise. They should have included the scene where Darcy goes and finds Wickham and Lydia and forces them to marry. Colin Firth did that bit SO well. Angry Mr. Darcy was so awesome.



• Costumes: Not a very big negative. They were still good, but just not as good as they were in the '95 version.



• The fact that it's only 2 hours: Yeah yeah, this was in the pros, so sue me. There are so many small scenes in the 1995 version that I've gotten attached to that weren't in this movie, and that really disappointed me. Such as the scene where Mr. Darcy gets all fussy about his clothing before he goes to meet with Elizabeth because he's planning to propose again (at least that's what I believe), or even the scene just after he proposes for the first time and both characters reflect on what they said to each other.



• Lydia Bennet: Lydia is supposed to be British... not fake American-British. Why they decided to use Jena Malone as Lydia Bennet is beyond me. They did a great job at getting newcomers for Mary and Kitty (Talulah Riley and Carey Mulligan), so why the hell did they use her??



• Charlotte Lucas: Speaking of miscasting. God. Charlotte may not be the pick of the batch, but my GOD.



• SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN "well then": I don't know why this part bugs me as much as it does. One of the last scenes has Mr. Darcy basically re-professing his love for Elizabeth (absolutely beautifully shot). Anyone who's seen the miniseries or has read the book knows which scene I mean. Poor Mr. Darcy pours his heart out in a very romantic fashion, telling her that she's "bewitched him body and soul" and that he loves her... and all she can say is "well then". WELL THEN. Forgive me, but if I had someone as hot as Matthew MacFadyen tell he wanted to be with me forever: I think I'd say more than "well then".

One thing I'm not sure about is how I feel about how they portrayed Mr. Collins. He was a bit more likeable in this version, but he's more of a boob in the BBC version, which is more fun. He's also more smarmy in the '95 version.
So overall, I think it's worth going to see. I'll probably end up going to see it again, and will most likely buy it when it comes out on DVD. And if you don't go see it, Mr. Darcy will frown at you:

Serenity

Serenity

I was finally able to finagle a couple of people to go see this with me over Thanksgiving. I went to see it without having seen any episodes of "Firefly", but I still really enjoyed it. Apparently Orson Scott Card, the author of the Ender's Game book series, said that this was the best science fiction movie ever made. I'm not sure I'd go that far, since I'm a huge fan of the Star Wars films, but Serenity comes pretty damn close. It's got everything: action, comedy, drama, romance, AND cannibals! Now who would pass that up? It's apparently coming out on DVD and video (does anything come out on VHS anymore?) sometime in December, and I would recommend people to see it... but watch "Firefly" first. You get the background of the characters and it makes the movie that much more understandable.
Iis a GREAT movie. It made me like Jayne, Simon and River all that much more. It's a great "season finale" to the series that, in my opinion, shouldn't have been cancelled in the first place.

Domino

Domino

Another great movie. Tony Scott did a great job in creating a film that is both visually stimulating and just generally entertaining. Although I'm sure I'll be bitching about her job in the upcoming P&P adaptation, Keira Knightley is excellent in this. It was refreshing to see her play a tough bitch for once. Mickey Rourke is great as her boss and Edgar Ramirez is also perfect as Choco, who's described as "psychotic" more than once. Again, this is one of those movies that touches every genre: it's very stylized, very funny, dramatic, action-packed and very sad. I would recommend seeing it on the big screen if you are planning to go see it, which you really should. I didn't think I was going to like it all that much when I saw the previews, simply because I'm not a huge fan of Keira Knightley... but I'm still recovering from just how good it was.

Haikus as Reviews

Alright, I've decided to finally write reviews for the movies I've seen recently. BUT to save you all the work and pain associated with reading long reviews filled with sarcasm and assumed rolling eyes and ranting, I'm going to attempt to write haikus for all of them:

Howl's Moving Castle:
Big walking castle
Flying man and stupid girl,
Crazy anime.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants:
Four teenage girl friends
Four different crisis scenes
One shitty crap fest.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith:
The last of six films
With Obi-Wan, Darth et. al.
Lucas still rocks on.

Mr & Mrs Smith:
Jolie and Pitt star
Humour, sex, guns and explosions
Funny, but too bloody.

Batman Begins:
Christian Bale is hot
Caped crusader fights baddies
Best Batman since Keaton.

Fantastic Four:
Crazy cloud morphs five
Four good, one evil, of course
Formula, but fun.

And there you go.

Mindhunters

Mindhunters

This movie was probably one of the worst I've ever seen, including The Base 2 and any movie starring Dolph Lundgreen. It stars two washed-up actors (Val Kilmer and Christian Slater), two actors who are still vaguely great at acting (LL Cool J and Jonny Lee Miller... I'm stretching in LL's case obviously), one actress who continues to piss the hell out of me (Kathryn Morris, the annoying woman in Cold Case, the rip-off of the Canadian show Cold Squad) and the actress who played Imhotep's mistress in The Mummy, I forget her name, but this was obviously a step down for her career-wise. Oh, and some other guys who really don't matter much, since they both get whacked.
I still can't believe this movie was released in theatres. It honestly seems like something that would go straight to video, then sit on the shelves until someone utterly bored out of their mind would pick it up. Not only that, but they take the title of John Douglas' first book, add an 's', then don't give him credit. They also refer to "UNSUB" and "VICAP" without explaining what each of them are, which leaves those who haven't read anything on criminal profiling or criminal justice in the dark as to what they are. There are some killer lines in it as well, such as "Iny, miny, mino, mo. Who's the next motherfucker to go?" and "Now we know his weakness: bullets"... granted all these gems are from LL Cool J, but there are numerous others. The ending is pretty predictable. So although it was slightly scary seeing as the "profilers" are stuck on an isolated island in a creepy rundown building and they're being killed in gross and disgusting ways one by one until it's just the killer and the one who was told wouldn't "make profiler", it's really not worth seeing. It's not even worth the time to download.

Kingdom of Heaven

Kingdom of Heaven

I don't want to spend a lot of time on this review mainly because there isn't a lot to say about this movie. It reeked of trying to regain some of the success that came from Gladiator. And let me tell you, Orlando Bloom ain't Russell Crowe. Sure he's beautiful, but he really shouldn't be allowed to try and make inspirational speeches. The end scene in which Saladdin's army lays a siege on Jerusalem (held by the Christians, and gee golly gosh, Orlando Bloom too) is a blatant rip-off of the climactic battle scene in Return of the King. I mean honestly! I am not joking. If you go see this movie (which I recommend you don't, but it's your money), you'll see what I mean. The only stellar bits in this movie are the scenes with Liam Neeson, though god knows those don't last long enough, David Thewlis, who is quickly becoming a favourite of mine, and Jeremy Irons, who kicks ass in any movie he's in, including the stinker Dungeons and Dragons. The female lead, Eva Green, is alright. She's not the greatest actress, but she's very pretty, so she compliments Orlando quite nicely. Did anyone else notice that three of the actors in that movie were also in Timeline?? No? just me? Not surprised. I was seriously disappointed by the movie. It was lacking in everything: plot, character development, character in general, action, drama, everything. The only reason why I would call the experience of seeing it enjoyable was the fact that it was so easily mocked. And mock it we did.

Sahara

Sahara

Summary: Matthew McConaughey swimming, Matthew McConaughey beating the crap out of some dudes, Penelope Cruz pouting, Steve Zahn cracking jokes and losing hats, Matthew McConaughey blowing up crap.......
I hate to be a downer AGAIN, so I will try and point out the good parts of the movie:
Steve Zahn - everything and anything he says. He is not only attractive, he is freaking hilarious too
The iron ship thingy they are searching for
The town they visit in the desert - it's all adobe style, pretty sweet
Ummm.... the bad guy in it, he was pretty cool
The banter between Steven Zahn and Matthew McConaughey (aka Al Giordino and Dirk Pitt)
William H. Macy playing Admiral Sandecker
Ok, I ran out of stuff... and now the bad points:
Matthew McConaughey playing Dirk Pitt
Matthew McConaughey cracking jokes as Dirk Pitt
Matthew McConaughey
Penelope Cruz
Matthew McConaughey using a plane as a windsurfer
The ridiculous idea that an iron ship could make it's way to a river in Africa
The severe lack of Al kicking butt
The severe lack of Delroy Lindo
The severe lack of William H. Macy
I gotta cut this review short since I'm getting more and more inebriated as the night progresses... It's not a BAD movie per say, it's just not what I pictured a Clive Cussler book-to-movie film to be like. I did NOT picture Matthew McConaughey as Dirk Pitt. I did not like the fact that he played Dirk Pitt as a pretty happy guy, considering Pitt is a pretty tortured individual who flits from girl to girl (like Bond) after the woman he loves dies in the first book. They're fun books to read... they did an alright job of transferring the action to the big screen, I just think it could have been a LOT better. And apparently Clive Cussler feels the same way considering he's sueing the filmmakers. HA TAKE THAT!

Sin City

Sin City

The trailers for this movie were amazing, and, contrary to what Katie says, I thought the movie lived up to them, even though they never used Cells in the actual movie.
Marv's storyline is the first of the three and it revolves around an ex-con named, obviously, Marv. Mickey Rourke does an awesome job of playing the odd-looking tough guy. The humourous lines he delivers are great too: "I know eating people is pretty weird". His story was probably my favourite, though I'm never going to look at Elijah Wood the same ever again. Creepy.
Clive Owen's story is the second one and I was really glad that Brittany Murphy didn't play a huge part in it. She really annoys me. Clive Owen plays Dwight, who's occupation isn't really stated, though it's clear it's a really legal profession. He hangs with some whores (Rosario Dawson, Devon Aoki, Alexis Bledel) and they accidentally kill a cop (Benecio del Toro). I think this is probably the most violent storyline, considering the way del Toro is treated. But there are also some funny bits in it, ie when one of Manute's henchmen is shot straight-through with what looks like a harpoon, but says "uh, guys? should I go to a doctor or something? hello?". Plus, it just rocks that Tommy Flanagan was in it as Brian, an Irish mercenary.
Bruce Willis' story was the last one, but I didn't enjoy it as much. Hartigan is a great character, but the love story between him and Jessica Alba (Nancy) was slightly disturbing, considering Hartigan is supposed to be around 60 and Nancy is all of 19 years old. SHUDDER. Nick Stahl was creepy and gross as Yellow Bastard, but I thought he did a great job, considering the amount of prosthetic and makeup he must have had to wear.
The music absolutely rocked in it, too. I think they put together a stellar cast, and had the storylines connect in a subtle, yet extremely creative way. Excellent movie. I think it's going to be one of those cult flicks. Hopefully it'll get people into the world of graphic novels.

Bride and Prejudice (+ Keira Knightley-induced rant)

Bride and Prejudice

Being the ultimate fan of Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" and having a soft spot for Bollywood, I figured I'd go see it. Good idea on my part. Even though I could call every. single. plot. twist. it was still funny. I loved the fact that Martin Henderson kept throwing Aishwarya Rai numerous "tortured love" looks, patented by Colin Firth in the BBC version of P&P. I think that Chadha could have been a bit more original with the names though, considering she kept both Will Darcy and Wickham... though she did a great job with Kholi (instead of Collins). LOVED the fact that Naveen Andrews was in it. I mean, really, we love him already as Sayid, but having him as the Indian equivalent of Charles Bingley is just plain awesome. There are so many great things about this movie... I can't wait for it to come out (in North America) on video.


Speaking of P&P, I forgot that someone has DARED to make a movie based on the novel.... starring Keira Knightly as Lizzie. *long, long, long pause..... punctuated by scream of frustration*. Keira. Knightley. No. Just No. There is no effing way that Keira Knightley is going to do a good job on this. And the man stepping into the shoes that only one man can fill? Matthew MacFadyen (no relation to Andrew MacFadyen mind you). He has been in nothing. Seriously, I'm not joking. The only major work out of his resume that I even recognise is MI-5, that stupid secret agent show in Britain. AH! AH GOD!!!!! JENA MALONE AS LYDIA?? ARE THEY ABSOLUTELY CRACKERS?? *deep breath*. Oh man, I can just see it now "Pride Remake flops at Box Office: WTF were they thinking? say Ebert and Roeper". Aw crap. Who am I kidding? I'll go see it when it comes out... but I doubt I'll enjoy it. I'll have to go see it myself in order to stop myself from bitching about how shit it is to other people.

Closer

Closer

I don't know exactly what the director was thinking when he made this movie. Perhaps he was in the middle of a horrible divorce and figured, hey if I'm miserable, I might as well make everyone who watches this movie miserable too! Or maybe he's just this loveless little manic depressive freak who thinks that love doesn't exist.
Whatever the case may be, this was a horribly depressing movie. I guess he figured that if he put four beautiful people in it, then that would override the fact that you really just want to cry or kill yourself by the end. All of the characters were lying, cheating snakes without morals or values and the plot, honestly, felt like it went full-circle without getting to any sort of point other than if you fall in love, you will get kicked in the face for it because love doesn't exist. I mean, how can you watch a movie where you just don't care about any of the characters? I know I can't. And the really depressing thing about the movie was knowing I paid $8 to see it and not enjoy it!
I do have to say that I really enjoy Clive Owen. He is an incredible actor. Seeing him in this movie just made me like him even more, because I've seen him as a good guy, but he was sort of two-faced in this film. Natalie Portman did a great job too. She played the most likeable character in the movie, though that's not saying much.
Just... don't see this movie. Or at least don't repeat my mistake and pay to see it in the theatre. Either download it or wait till it comes out on video. And make sure you eat chocolate, or ice cream after you watch it... or watch Closer and then Monty Python or something... otherwise you might just... cry.

The Mouse That Roared

The Mouse That Roared

Watch this movie. Honestly, it's one of Peter Sellers' best, in my opinion. He plays three different characters, one of which is a woman. The plot is incredibly funny, as a small non-existent European country (The Duchy of Fenwick) is going bankrupt and decides to invade the United States, then surrender in order to get war reparations. Everything goes according to plan, until the army (consisting of 20 men dressed in ancient chainmail with bows and arrows) arrives in New York and finds no one to surrender to. It's a great movie and Sellers is amazing as: The Duchess of Fenwick, The Prime Minister AND the General of the army. One of the things that got me was the sign at the guard post on the border of Fenwick: "If guard is not on duty, go right in". I was laughing through the entire film. Though, I think Sellers' movies are a slightly more subtle humour than most comedies today. Anyone who's seen "The Party" will agree with me (and if you haven't seen it, rent that too... have a Peter Sellers night).

Saw

Saw

Those of you who don't like horror movies, STAY AWAY FROM THIS ONE... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
To tell you the truth, it wasn't the gore that scared me... it was the dummy. I don't know if you guys have seen him in the commercials, but fuckin A, he is the creepiest thing in the entire world. I can handle gore, obviously, considering the kinds of books I read... but guys kidnapped people and then putting them into situations where they kill themselves is just too frightening for me. One of the things I HATED about this film was the fact that some idiot out there could get the idea and try to make it work. There are some seriously fucked up people out there and I'm willing to bet someone will try it.
The acting, obviously, was terrible. Poor Cary Elwes, I thought you were better than that. VERY good twist at the end though. I think it was worth it just for the ending actually. Honestly though, there were parts that I couldn't watch, I had my hand over my eyes. If you go see it because you've been forced to, cover your eyes when a) Cary Elwes is using the phone in the parking lot and you can see a guy creeping up next to his car and b) when Alan is wandering around his pitch-black apartment, using his camera flash as a light, and he starts to open the door with the dart board on it... DO NOT WATCH DURING THOSE SCENES. I didn't... and I'm pretty sure I saved myself another two nights of little sleep.

Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police

I dunno if any of you guys have seen it, but it is so funny. You have to sort of be a South Park fan to get some of the jokes, or find some of them funny, but having an ENTIRE movie played by marionettes is just to good to pass up. It's so hard to describe it without giving stuff away, so I'm just going to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it. So... if you don't want it ruined, don't read the rest of this...
Considering the movie starts out with Team America blowing up every historic and recognizable site in Paris, I knew it had to be funny. And the song that comes on at least five times during the film goes "America... FUCK YEAH" etc etc... I was holding my sides through the entire movie. After a while, you kind of forget that it's marionettes... creepy. My favourite character though was definately Kim Jong Il with his "hewrooooooo" and "I'm so ronrey, oh so ronrey...".
Anyway, go see it if you haven't yet... there are parts where you're so shocked that they did stuff, or said stuff, and there's parts where you just can't stop laughing.

Shaun of the Dead

Shaun of the Dead

When you look at a poster for Shaun of the Dead, you see the tagline "A Romantic Comedy. With Zombies." That pretty much sums it up right there for you. It honestly is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long, long time and that is saying a LOT coming from me.
It begins, in a typically British way, in a pub, where Shaun's girlfriend is complaining about all they ever do is sit in the pub and they never get to do anything really exciting. Well dear, that is all about to change. We then get some footage of how completely and utterly mundane Shaun's life is before the plot really begins to thicken. One of the best lines in the preview for this movie is "There is no 'I' in team, but there is an I in pie... um, meat pie, er, meat is an anagram for team, I dunno".
Shaun's undeniably great sidekick is Ed, a slob who he's known since pre-school. Not only does he spout hilarious lines, but there are actually some pretty emotional scenes between the two of them.
Even though the movie is advertised as a comedy, there are some incredibly disgusting scenes, one of which I actually had to look away from in order to keep my dinner in me. There are also some touching moments and the end of the film is actually rather sad.
Anyway, when it DOES come out in theatres, I plan to see it again. It is not only a freakin side-splitter of a comedy, it is actually well-acted. My only conclusion is GO SEE IT. September 24th, mark your calendars or zombies will come and eat your brains ("don't say that!"... "what?"... "the z-word!")

The Village

The Village

Even the previews to this movie were complete shit. I mean, if I go to a movie and the movie turns out to be horribly horribly crap, then at least I've seen previews for movies that look good (though obviously I feel quite ripped-off by the theatre for paying 14 bloody dollars to watch 20 mins of previews). But I digress...
I was excited that Joaquin Phoenix was in it, simply because he's a pretty good actor. Not bad to look at either. I also realised that M. Night Shymalan (I'm going to refer to him as M-Dog from now on cause his last name is too goddam hard to spell) er, what was I saying before I so rudely interrupted myself?? Oh, M-Dog has a pattern with actors. The Village is his fourth big movie and he's only really used two actors for his main characters: Bruce Willis (the disappointing Sixth Sense, and er... some other one that looked retarded, it had Samuel L. Jackson in it *Shaft! you damn right...*) and Joaquin Phoenix (Signs and The Village). M-Dog also likes to put himself into his films (just like Hitchcock! he must be similarly gifted!!! not) which is slightly annoying because you spend the entire film going "is that him?? no wait, is *that* him??" which is useless since he makes it pretty damn obvious when he makes a cameo.
The Village is all about a town basically in the middle of bumfuck nowhere U.S.A. (go through the field, take a left at the cows). It's the end of the 19th century and, of course, they're living in a harmonius commune... except for that little carnivourous creature problem. The town has this... understanding with these freakish beings that live in the woods: (to quote William Hurt) they don't go into the woods and the creatures don't go into the town. Oh, if it were only that easy. Why, oh why, must you ruin their hippie valley M-Dog? Have you no shame??
The main shit-disturber?? You guessed it. Joaquin Phoenix, acting both stupidly brave and laughibly cowardly all at once, steps into the woods and, whoops, one of the creatures sees him. Crazy shit starts to happen and then there's a huge twist (I'd call it a hole, but whatever...) occurs in the script. I won't give it away in case you actually DO want to go see it... I'd recommend just downloading it though.
You know, after letting it sink in, I realised it *is* kind of a creepy movie, but just because of the music and the sound effects. There's a scene where the town gets together to celebrate a wedding that's particularly creepy because they keep hearing sounds in the woods (ie twigs breaking, howls, equally scary noises). The creatures' appearances are revealed too early in the film, but the first sight is pretty freaky.
Actually, you know what? Go see it. It's worth seeing in the threatre. I keep going over scenes in my head and, yeah, it's good... I mean, it's not as scary as The Ring, but I've realised that M-Dog's movies aren't about making you an insomniac for 3 nights straight, but too be just slightly freaked out. And the twist in this is pretty good.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Ah hahaha.. no really.. don't pay full price for it anyway. But go see it, it's actually surprisingly funny. I was going to try and convince Jacqui to go see The Village, but we ended up seeing this instead. It's *so* refreshing, finally, to see a movie with non-caucasian males as the main characters. Both guys do an amazing job of keeping you entertained through their insanity.
Of course, it's the typical odd couple where one guy (Harold) is the straight man, hard worker type and the other (Kumar) is the partyer with no ambition even though he has the smarts. Being Asian and Indian respectively, they get a lot of shit from jerks who eventually get their come-uppance (if that's a word). It starts out with the two guys getting stoned and seeing a commercial for White Castle, a fast-food restaurant. So, obviously, they take the trek to New Brunswick. So they find the White Castle in New Brunswick is gone, but there is one relatively close by. Of course, nothing is *that* easy in the movies, so they run into a bunch of trouble including: a hippie with a huge bag of pot, a rascist cop, a horny Neil Patrick Harris (who promptly steals Harold's car), a guy covered in boils called Freakshow and an escaped cheetah. Okay, so it might not sound like the greatest movie, but it is worth seeing. There are a bunch of cameos by known actors (not great actors, but I recognised them from somewhere...) and the two main actors are hilarious.